Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Trials and Tribulations of a first time parent.

This is a story my brother e-mailed to my mother in April of 2008. It is important to know that when this happened he was a father for less then two weeks. I think it is a classic, and everytime I read it, I laugh so hard I cry.

RE: You think your grandson is adorable?

I got Owen out of bed this morning around 8:10. Figuring on a quick change so I could get to work, I took him into his room. He was still somewhat asleep but Bryn had alerted me to the possibility of a poopy diaper. No problem, I'm becoming an old hand at this already.

I get him undressed down to his diaper and I can see from the outside that yes, he did pooh. I go through the routine of taking the diaper off, wiping him down and getting the new diaper ready. I put on the diaper, right side fastened first and I go for the Vaseline for his circumcision. When I return to Owen, I find that he is peeing, straight up into his own face. As you can imagine, he has a look of…..shall we say irritation on his face. To protect my child I cup my hand over his penis in hopes of stopping him from peeing. I actually thought this would make it stop. But as you can guess, it did not. All I accomplished was getting me wet and stopping him from urinating in his own face. A small victory but one that I will gladly take. Diaper 1.

I clean him up, basically giving him a wet wipe bath as he had pretty much pee over his entire body. The changing table now wet, I moved him to the crib to change into another diaper. I get the diaper on, Vaseline in the right spot, no problems. As I start to pull his onesie over his head, I can head the unmistakable sound of yet another pooh. The little man must have had a lot to eat last night, or he had it in for his father. OK, no big deal. Having learned from similar experiences in the past, I wait five minutes to make sure he is done his "business". Nothing new seems to be happening so I once again disrobe him and again give him a wet wipe bath. I tell you, the boy is pretty damn clean by now, or one would think anyway. Diaper 2 (keep in mind there are only 2 diapers left in his room now.)

After cleaning him up, getting his diaper on, I put on a new onesie. Now please understand, I can take off a onesie no problem but putting them on is still a challenge I have yet to master. I feel like I'm choking him ever time I bring it over his head. His crying at this time makes me believe he too thinks I'm choking him. Should be interesting how this affects our future relationship. So everything is looking good, onesie is on, no pooh sounds, no pee. I turn to get his outfit on, his Navy blue "daddy's little rookie". One of my favorite outfits, for obvious reasons. I insert the first leg rather easily, the second leg goes in with a bit more effort but I evenutally get the rabbit down the hole. As I start to button up the front and go to place his right arm into the sleeve, what do I find? His entire right side from his hip to his shoulder is soaked. Little dude has got me again. Apparently daddy still needs to learn to fasten the diaper tighter. Diaper 3

A third wet wipe bath, the last diaper and a new onesie later, Owen is finally dressed. The time? 8:55. It took me 45 minutes to dress my son this morning.
One unforeseen benefit from all of this? My right index figure is unusually soft and tender from the multiple trips to the Vaseline jar. All the better to stroke his adorable little face with….
I guess.

Hope you enjoyed this. After a particularly difficult night, Owen brought some much needed humor to his parents this morning. Got to love him for that

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